I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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