I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
