i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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