Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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