You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
