haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
