I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
