When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
