I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
