the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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