if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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