oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
