My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the day after is always just damage control
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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