somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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