I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
