tonight lets celebrate not being married
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
