I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
