you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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