so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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