My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
