Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
