arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Houston, we have a squirter
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
