Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
