There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
