ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
