Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dicks are not precious.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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