His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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