I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
