thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
