Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
