I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
