i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
