her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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