Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
