I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
