I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
