I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
