We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
