The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it's like iHOP with fire
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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