...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
