I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
