Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
