My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
