I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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