He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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