there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
there is glitter all over my balls
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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