Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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