I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
