My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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