I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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