We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
