I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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