I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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