Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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